Metrosexual Men. One of the definitions on Urbandictionary.com states: strait (sic) guys who are mistaken for being gay because of their fashion sense and hygene (sic) habits. Ah, yes, the straight man who is perceived gay, the cock tease as I like to call them. Such an interesting specimen to behold in the wild. He is proud of his metro sexuality even jokes about it with his other straight friends but freaks when confused with being actually gay. Stop for a moment, you know these men. Let me paint you a little picture:
These are the men who have the gorgeous super model looking girlfriends at their sides. This is an absolute must because this is proof they are straight although they come off as gay in a stereotypical way of course. These are the men that wear tight fitting jeans that have more stitching and embroidery than the pair their girlfriend is wearing. There is often a design on the pockets of the jeans which again are tight fitting, you know, like what women wear. When they move just right you can see Calvin Kline or some other designer boxer briefs peaking out of the tops of the jeans. And of course the color of the underwear compliments the entirety of the outfit. Pulls it all together. They can often be seen in some sort of Italian or Italian knock off slip on leather loafer with socks that expertly match their shirt. Speaking of the shirt, again tight fitting, what is known as the “athletic” cut and often times stitching and embroidery is found here as well, especially across the back. Again, more than any woman would wear. These men are solidly tan, even in mid-winter. Their hair is perfectly styled with just enough product and their eyebrows are “manscaped” in an arch that rivals that of their girlfriend. Their fingernails are manicured, cuticles cut, nails shining.
Then a poor innocent gay man flirts with them and they lose their shit. And I mean LOSE their shit. How dare anyone think they were gay! Just because he likes to take care of himself he has to be gay?! And while losing their shit, you’ll notice their voices become deeper and they tend to stick out their chests and grab their crotches. As if grabbing their junk is universal for “I’m straight”. They go from man to ape in 2.3 seconds a fascinating de-evolutionary display.
Hmmmm…..why would anyone think these men are gay? Really? REALLY??? Come on now! No, just because you take care of yourself should not mean you are gay. That is somewhat offensive to men on both sides of the spectrum. Not all straight men are gross pigs who don’t shower or care what they look like. And on the flip side not all gay men pamper and prune themselves like dolls. BUT, lets again take a look at the painted picture above:
He is wearing tight fitting jeans with embroidery on the pockets…that is so gay not even gay men wear jeans like that.
His socks match his shirt, pastel blue, not the most masculine, and his designer underwear ties it all together. Not something most straight men would think to do.
He has expertly shaped eyebrows, manicured fingernails and tan year round….again, something stereotypically associated with gay men.
He’s wearing designer shoes outside of Nike, Reebok and Adidas.
So, honestly, he has no right to get mad that some innocent gay man flirted with him. All of the signals he was sending said “I’m a flaming homosexual that wants to get down and dirty”. What about that pretty blonde on his arm? Sorry, innocent gay man didn’t notice her, he was focused on the tan guy in tight jeans and a tight shirt. And every gay man is friends with gorgeous women, its just how it works, so we’re used to seeing them around when we do take notice of them.
And seriously, if you are metrosexual and an innocent gay guy flirts with you its not like he raped you, sexually molested you or jacked off in front of you. Chill out. No need to go all Mommy Dearest because someone of the same sex found you attractive. You are dressed like us and act like us so don’t blame us for getting confused. Geez!! But seriously, get rid of those jeans. Who wears jeans with embroidery like that and is straight? Come on now!!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The hard truth about "GNO"
Let’s chat about GNO’s. For those of you who are not down with the abbreviations that are becoming more and more popular GNO stands for Girls’ Night Out. A night women who are generally approaching middle age go out with other women approaching middle age that they say they are friends with but secretly can’t stand. They dress as fashionably as possible, always trying to out fashion the rest of the group. Some of them believing they could walk straight onto a runway but are truly as far from a runway as possible thank the Lord Jesus. They get the kids all tucked away with their husbands and congregate in a local bar or restaurant to share a “relaxing” night together. However, its never actually relaxing is it? Nope, they are all too busy formulating stories to out-do the other woman. They are focused on looking better than their cohorts and getting the most attention at the table. This often results in sounds that actually do sound like chickens clucking and often times cackling fake laughter rises from the table in a burst of ferocious energy. They all become so focused they forget they are in public and other people are watching and listening.
And the conversations women have when they are together!! The other night I had the privilege of dining out and sitting next to a table of women on a GNO. Their conversation started off frivolously enough but then quickly turned to a competitive nature.
“Oh, Billy, you know he’s only 8 months, but he is already walking!!”
“My Anna is reading at one!”
“Little Steven is so cute, he’s been reading War and Peace, you should see him carry around such a large book! All of three and reading War and Peace!”
“David just started talking in full sentences and he just turned 16 months!!”
“Well, Stephanie, was born with a doctorate in English Literature!”
Seriously!! Are we to believe such geniuses exist in this world?? Babies coming out of the womb walking, talking, singing songs and reading?? If so many babies are so far advanced why aren’t we hearing about it on a grander scale??
Then as the wine kept flowing the conversation became louder and louder, the subject matter more and more competitive. And what’s with competing about child birth? Who was in labor longer, epidural or no epidural, stretch marks, bladder problems, dilating, water breaking. You name it, they talked about it, nothing was sacred. They competed like champions preparing for an Olympic event. I found out more about these six strangers than I cared to in the short time I was having my dinner.
The cackling and clucking only ceased any time the server arrived at the table. Then the clucking turned into awkward flirting, batting of eyes odd posturing. And I must say, the visit’s the server made to the table were by far the most entertaining part of the evening. There is nothing better than watching women in their thirties flirt senselessly with younger men, some of them still in their late teens. They go from chickens to vultures in a display of who will get the most attention from the viral young man in their midst proving they are the far superior of the group. I took quick notice the server’s visits became less and less frequent as he dodged the uncomfortable display of pruning feathers and wayward glances.
Thankfully, my evening was coming to an end as their conversation moved to their sex lives. I simply could not have handled who had the better lover or who made the better lover. And we only thought men boasted of their sex lives.
“My husband got us a sleep number bed and let me tell you we got rid of it after a month!! Any time you try to become intimate you end up on top of a ridge in the bed between the two air chambers. Who wants that grinding into their back? I told my husband if he still wanted any sex he best get rid of that damn bed or he would be on his own. I rule that bed and he knows it.”
And with that I made my hasty departure. So, ladies, please remember when you are out on a GNO posturing and posing in displays of feminine superiority you are in public and others are watching and listening.
And the conversations women have when they are together!! The other night I had the privilege of dining out and sitting next to a table of women on a GNO. Their conversation started off frivolously enough but then quickly turned to a competitive nature.
“Oh, Billy, you know he’s only 8 months, but he is already walking!!”
“My Anna is reading at one!”
“Little Steven is so cute, he’s been reading War and Peace, you should see him carry around such a large book! All of three and reading War and Peace!”
“David just started talking in full sentences and he just turned 16 months!!”
“Well, Stephanie, was born with a doctorate in English Literature!”
Seriously!! Are we to believe such geniuses exist in this world?? Babies coming out of the womb walking, talking, singing songs and reading?? If so many babies are so far advanced why aren’t we hearing about it on a grander scale??
Then as the wine kept flowing the conversation became louder and louder, the subject matter more and more competitive. And what’s with competing about child birth? Who was in labor longer, epidural or no epidural, stretch marks, bladder problems, dilating, water breaking. You name it, they talked about it, nothing was sacred. They competed like champions preparing for an Olympic event. I found out more about these six strangers than I cared to in the short time I was having my dinner.
The cackling and clucking only ceased any time the server arrived at the table. Then the clucking turned into awkward flirting, batting of eyes odd posturing. And I must say, the visit’s the server made to the table were by far the most entertaining part of the evening. There is nothing better than watching women in their thirties flirt senselessly with younger men, some of them still in their late teens. They go from chickens to vultures in a display of who will get the most attention from the viral young man in their midst proving they are the far superior of the group. I took quick notice the server’s visits became less and less frequent as he dodged the uncomfortable display of pruning feathers and wayward glances.
Thankfully, my evening was coming to an end as their conversation moved to their sex lives. I simply could not have handled who had the better lover or who made the better lover. And we only thought men boasted of their sex lives.
“My husband got us a sleep number bed and let me tell you we got rid of it after a month!! Any time you try to become intimate you end up on top of a ridge in the bed between the two air chambers. Who wants that grinding into their back? I told my husband if he still wanted any sex he best get rid of that damn bed or he would be on his own. I rule that bed and he knows it.”
And with that I made my hasty departure. So, ladies, please remember when you are out on a GNO posturing and posing in displays of feminine superiority you are in public and others are watching and listening.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Queen Cougar & Mother Hen
Who are we, you might ask? Some brief info....
Cougar Queen is, as the title suggests, both a Cougar and a Queen. He proudly wears both hats, with matching heels if possible. By the outward appearance he's an affable guy who doesn't think mean things. But deep down.... a Queen with high ideals, standards and opinions lurks with a Cougar that wants to use his claws to rip the face off those who annoy him.
CQ is single and on the prowl, but is a shy kitten when it comes to finding a mate. He works in the service industry (keep your mind out) and is a strict, pre-Vatican, almost fanatical Catholic.
Mother Hen is the eternal earth and room mother. A working mom who channels her guilt into volunteering for everything, she is always involved and everyone always wonders how she does it. To which a demure smile, saying, "Oh, I just enjoy it" covers the urge to scream, "You could help too if you weren't so damn selfish!" Trying to challenge her is usually futile, as she uses her words to hammer down a dissenter as a chicken would use their beak to make a hole in the rock hard earth. And the clucking over everyone never stops.
MH has more than 2.5 kiddos, and has all stages of development in the house.... and a lot of alcohol. She is married to a darling man who knows her true colors and loves her more for them. She is in management and is a Smorgasbord Catholic (I'll believe this, but not that.... sprinkle on this....).
One of the more unlikely pairs on the surface, but have always been avid "Anything you can do,
I can do more" believers. Mutual annoyance with the general population and a never ending struggle to control the urge to react as we wish is the strongest bond.
Cougar Queen is, as the title suggests, both a Cougar and a Queen. He proudly wears both hats, with matching heels if possible. By the outward appearance he's an affable guy who doesn't think mean things. But deep down.... a Queen with high ideals, standards and opinions lurks with a Cougar that wants to use his claws to rip the face off those who annoy him.
CQ is single and on the prowl, but is a shy kitten when it comes to finding a mate. He works in the service industry (keep your mind out) and is a strict, pre-Vatican, almost fanatical Catholic.
Mother Hen is the eternal earth and room mother. A working mom who channels her guilt into volunteering for everything, she is always involved and everyone always wonders how she does it. To which a demure smile, saying, "Oh, I just enjoy it" covers the urge to scream, "You could help too if you weren't so damn selfish!" Trying to challenge her is usually futile, as she uses her words to hammer down a dissenter as a chicken would use their beak to make a hole in the rock hard earth. And the clucking over everyone never stops.
MH has more than 2.5 kiddos, and has all stages of development in the house.... and a lot of alcohol. She is married to a darling man who knows her true colors and loves her more for them. She is in management and is a Smorgasbord Catholic (I'll believe this, but not that.... sprinkle on this....).
One of the more unlikely pairs on the surface, but have always been avid "Anything you can do,
I can do more" believers. Mutual annoyance with the general population and a never ending struggle to control the urge to react as we wish is the strongest bond.
How did we get here?
It was a long trip to the middle of nowhere in Kansas. I mean long. And I mean nowhere.
I knew that the radio in Cougar Queen's car was broken, but didn't know that we had completely opposite tastes in music. We tried to make it work.... cruising down I-70 with a Boom Box the size of a computer monitor; trying to pick up stations and work cassette tapes.
It sucked. We were grouchy. We were tired. And we weren't thrilled to be going in the first place.
We made it. We made ti through the weekend and the family reunion. And we headed back to the city.
More tired. More grouchy. Downright mean.
The batteries were dying and the cassette tapes were unraveling - along with our nerves. At the time one of us started to look for the gun, the other suggested a game. A fun car game. Fun for us, that is.
And so, "Why I Hate You" was born. One of us would say a name and the other had to say the worst thing about the subject in just one word. It was brilliant. It was terrible. It was the deepening and defining moment of a friendship.
We were totally and utterly honest with each other (obviously we never said each other's names!!). There was no judgement, just acceptance, gasps, and laughter. We thought we knew each other pretty well... but this opened it even more. And it created a relationship where we have no boundaries and are completely honest and accepting of each other and our thoughts and feelings.
And from that (over a decade later - ouch) this blog is birthed. In it we will discuss the annoying, the frustrating, the mindless, the stupid.... say the things most of us think but are afraid to say out loud.
And before you judge us to be mean... just know that our identities are secret because no one else would ever believe we think these things! We are both known as the givers, the leaders, the go-to's. And we love that and relish our roles. But those little voices inside us just can't stay silent forever...
I knew that the radio in Cougar Queen's car was broken, but didn't know that we had completely opposite tastes in music. We tried to make it work.... cruising down I-70 with a Boom Box the size of a computer monitor; trying to pick up stations and work cassette tapes.
It sucked. We were grouchy. We were tired. And we weren't thrilled to be going in the first place.
We made it. We made ti through the weekend and the family reunion. And we headed back to the city.
More tired. More grouchy. Downright mean.
The batteries were dying and the cassette tapes were unraveling - along with our nerves. At the time one of us started to look for the gun, the other suggested a game. A fun car game. Fun for us, that is.
And so, "Why I Hate You" was born. One of us would say a name and the other had to say the worst thing about the subject in just one word. It was brilliant. It was terrible. It was the deepening and defining moment of a friendship.
We were totally and utterly honest with each other (obviously we never said each other's names!!). There was no judgement, just acceptance, gasps, and laughter. We thought we knew each other pretty well... but this opened it even more. And it created a relationship where we have no boundaries and are completely honest and accepting of each other and our thoughts and feelings.
And from that (over a decade later - ouch) this blog is birthed. In it we will discuss the annoying, the frustrating, the mindless, the stupid.... say the things most of us think but are afraid to say out loud.
And before you judge us to be mean... just know that our identities are secret because no one else would ever believe we think these things! We are both known as the givers, the leaders, the go-to's. And we love that and relish our roles. But those little voices inside us just can't stay silent forever...
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