Metrosexual Men. One of the definitions on Urbandictionary.com states: strait (sic) guys who are mistaken for being gay because of their fashion sense and hygene (sic) habits. Ah, yes, the straight man who is perceived gay, the cock tease as I like to call them. Such an interesting specimen to behold in the wild. He is proud of his metro sexuality even jokes about it with his other straight friends but freaks when confused with being actually gay. Stop for a moment, you know these men. Let me paint you a little picture:
These are the men who have the gorgeous super model looking girlfriends at their sides. This is an absolute must because this is proof they are straight although they come off as gay in a stereotypical way of course. These are the men that wear tight fitting jeans that have more stitching and embroidery than the pair their girlfriend is wearing. There is often a design on the pockets of the jeans which again are tight fitting, you know, like what women wear. When they move just right you can see Calvin Kline or some other designer boxer briefs peaking out of the tops of the jeans. And of course the color of the underwear compliments the entirety of the outfit. Pulls it all together. They can often be seen in some sort of Italian or Italian knock off slip on leather loafer with socks that expertly match their shirt. Speaking of the shirt, again tight fitting, what is known as the “athletic” cut and often times stitching and embroidery is found here as well, especially across the back. Again, more than any woman would wear. These men are solidly tan, even in mid-winter. Their hair is perfectly styled with just enough product and their eyebrows are “manscaped” in an arch that rivals that of their girlfriend. Their fingernails are manicured, cuticles cut, nails shining.
Then a poor innocent gay man flirts with them and they lose their shit. And I mean LOSE their shit. How dare anyone think they were gay! Just because he likes to take care of himself he has to be gay?! And while losing their shit, you’ll notice their voices become deeper and they tend to stick out their chests and grab their crotches. As if grabbing their junk is universal for “I’m straight”. They go from man to ape in 2.3 seconds a fascinating de-evolutionary display.
Hmmmm…..why would anyone think these men are gay? Really? REALLY??? Come on now! No, just because you take care of yourself should not mean you are gay. That is somewhat offensive to men on both sides of the spectrum. Not all straight men are gross pigs who don’t shower or care what they look like. And on the flip side not all gay men pamper and prune themselves like dolls. BUT, lets again take a look at the painted picture above:
He is wearing tight fitting jeans with embroidery on the pockets…that is so gay not even gay men wear jeans like that.
His socks match his shirt, pastel blue, not the most masculine, and his designer underwear ties it all together. Not something most straight men would think to do.
He has expertly shaped eyebrows, manicured fingernails and tan year round….again, something stereotypically associated with gay men.
He’s wearing designer shoes outside of Nike, Reebok and Adidas.
So, honestly, he has no right to get mad that some innocent gay man flirted with him. All of the signals he was sending said “I’m a flaming homosexual that wants to get down and dirty”. What about that pretty blonde on his arm? Sorry, innocent gay man didn’t notice her, he was focused on the tan guy in tight jeans and a tight shirt. And every gay man is friends with gorgeous women, its just how it works, so we’re used to seeing them around when we do take notice of them.
And seriously, if you are metrosexual and an innocent gay guy flirts with you its not like he raped you, sexually molested you or jacked off in front of you. Chill out. No need to go all Mommy Dearest because someone of the same sex found you attractive. You are dressed like us and act like us so don’t blame us for getting confused. Geez!! But seriously, get rid of those jeans. Who wears jeans with embroidery like that and is straight? Come on now!!
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The hard truth about "GNO"
Let’s chat about GNO’s. For those of you who are not down with the abbreviations that are becoming more and more popular GNO stands for Girls’ Night Out. A night women who are generally approaching middle age go out with other women approaching middle age that they say they are friends with but secretly can’t stand. They dress as fashionably as possible, always trying to out fashion the rest of the group. Some of them believing they could walk straight onto a runway but are truly as far from a runway as possible thank the Lord Jesus. They get the kids all tucked away with their husbands and congregate in a local bar or restaurant to share a “relaxing” night together. However, its never actually relaxing is it? Nope, they are all too busy formulating stories to out-do the other woman. They are focused on looking better than their cohorts and getting the most attention at the table. This often results in sounds that actually do sound like chickens clucking and often times cackling fake laughter rises from the table in a burst of ferocious energy. They all become so focused they forget they are in public and other people are watching and listening.
And the conversations women have when they are together!! The other night I had the privilege of dining out and sitting next to a table of women on a GNO. Their conversation started off frivolously enough but then quickly turned to a competitive nature.
“Oh, Billy, you know he’s only 8 months, but he is already walking!!”
“My Anna is reading at one!”
“Little Steven is so cute, he’s been reading War and Peace, you should see him carry around such a large book! All of three and reading War and Peace!”
“David just started talking in full sentences and he just turned 16 months!!”
“Well, Stephanie, was born with a doctorate in English Literature!”
Seriously!! Are we to believe such geniuses exist in this world?? Babies coming out of the womb walking, talking, singing songs and reading?? If so many babies are so far advanced why aren’t we hearing about it on a grander scale??
Then as the wine kept flowing the conversation became louder and louder, the subject matter more and more competitive. And what’s with competing about child birth? Who was in labor longer, epidural or no epidural, stretch marks, bladder problems, dilating, water breaking. You name it, they talked about it, nothing was sacred. They competed like champions preparing for an Olympic event. I found out more about these six strangers than I cared to in the short time I was having my dinner.
The cackling and clucking only ceased any time the server arrived at the table. Then the clucking turned into awkward flirting, batting of eyes odd posturing. And I must say, the visit’s the server made to the table were by far the most entertaining part of the evening. There is nothing better than watching women in their thirties flirt senselessly with younger men, some of them still in their late teens. They go from chickens to vultures in a display of who will get the most attention from the viral young man in their midst proving they are the far superior of the group. I took quick notice the server’s visits became less and less frequent as he dodged the uncomfortable display of pruning feathers and wayward glances.
Thankfully, my evening was coming to an end as their conversation moved to their sex lives. I simply could not have handled who had the better lover or who made the better lover. And we only thought men boasted of their sex lives.
“My husband got us a sleep number bed and let me tell you we got rid of it after a month!! Any time you try to become intimate you end up on top of a ridge in the bed between the two air chambers. Who wants that grinding into their back? I told my husband if he still wanted any sex he best get rid of that damn bed or he would be on his own. I rule that bed and he knows it.”
And with that I made my hasty departure. So, ladies, please remember when you are out on a GNO posturing and posing in displays of feminine superiority you are in public and others are watching and listening.
And the conversations women have when they are together!! The other night I had the privilege of dining out and sitting next to a table of women on a GNO. Their conversation started off frivolously enough but then quickly turned to a competitive nature.
“Oh, Billy, you know he’s only 8 months, but he is already walking!!”
“My Anna is reading at one!”
“Little Steven is so cute, he’s been reading War and Peace, you should see him carry around such a large book! All of three and reading War and Peace!”
“David just started talking in full sentences and he just turned 16 months!!”
“Well, Stephanie, was born with a doctorate in English Literature!”
Seriously!! Are we to believe such geniuses exist in this world?? Babies coming out of the womb walking, talking, singing songs and reading?? If so many babies are so far advanced why aren’t we hearing about it on a grander scale??
Then as the wine kept flowing the conversation became louder and louder, the subject matter more and more competitive. And what’s with competing about child birth? Who was in labor longer, epidural or no epidural, stretch marks, bladder problems, dilating, water breaking. You name it, they talked about it, nothing was sacred. They competed like champions preparing for an Olympic event. I found out more about these six strangers than I cared to in the short time I was having my dinner.
The cackling and clucking only ceased any time the server arrived at the table. Then the clucking turned into awkward flirting, batting of eyes odd posturing. And I must say, the visit’s the server made to the table were by far the most entertaining part of the evening. There is nothing better than watching women in their thirties flirt senselessly with younger men, some of them still in their late teens. They go from chickens to vultures in a display of who will get the most attention from the viral young man in their midst proving they are the far superior of the group. I took quick notice the server’s visits became less and less frequent as he dodged the uncomfortable display of pruning feathers and wayward glances.
Thankfully, my evening was coming to an end as their conversation moved to their sex lives. I simply could not have handled who had the better lover or who made the better lover. And we only thought men boasted of their sex lives.
“My husband got us a sleep number bed and let me tell you we got rid of it after a month!! Any time you try to become intimate you end up on top of a ridge in the bed between the two air chambers. Who wants that grinding into their back? I told my husband if he still wanted any sex he best get rid of that damn bed or he would be on his own. I rule that bed and he knows it.”
And with that I made my hasty departure. So, ladies, please remember when you are out on a GNO posturing and posing in displays of feminine superiority you are in public and others are watching and listening.
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