Let’s chat about GNO’s. For those of you who are not down with the abbreviations that are becoming more and more popular GNO stands for Girls’ Night Out. A night women who are generally approaching middle age go out with other women approaching middle age that they say they are friends with but secretly can’t stand. They dress as fashionably as possible, always trying to out fashion the rest of the group. Some of them believing they could walk straight onto a runway but are truly as far from a runway as possible thank the Lord Jesus. They get the kids all tucked away with their husbands and congregate in a local bar or restaurant to share a “relaxing” night together. However, its never actually relaxing is it? Nope, they are all too busy formulating stories to out-do the other woman. They are focused on looking better than their cohorts and getting the most attention at the table. This often results in sounds that actually do sound like chickens clucking and often times cackling fake laughter rises from the table in a burst of ferocious energy. They all become so focused they forget they are in public and other people are watching and listening.
And the conversations women have when they are together!! The other night I had the privilege of dining out and sitting next to a table of women on a GNO. Their conversation started off frivolously enough but then quickly turned to a competitive nature.
“Oh, Billy, you know he’s only 8 months, but he is already walking!!”
“My Anna is reading at one!”
“Little Steven is so cute, he’s been reading War and Peace, you should see him carry around such a large book! All of three and reading War and Peace!”
“David just started talking in full sentences and he just turned 16 months!!”
“Well, Stephanie, was born with a doctorate in English Literature!”
Seriously!! Are we to believe such geniuses exist in this world?? Babies coming out of the womb walking, talking, singing songs and reading?? If so many babies are so far advanced why aren’t we hearing about it on a grander scale??
Then as the wine kept flowing the conversation became louder and louder, the subject matter more and more competitive. And what’s with competing about child birth? Who was in labor longer, epidural or no epidural, stretch marks, bladder problems, dilating, water breaking. You name it, they talked about it, nothing was sacred. They competed like champions preparing for an Olympic event. I found out more about these six strangers than I cared to in the short time I was having my dinner.
The cackling and clucking only ceased any time the server arrived at the table. Then the clucking turned into awkward flirting, batting of eyes odd posturing. And I must say, the visit’s the server made to the table were by far the most entertaining part of the evening. There is nothing better than watching women in their thirties flirt senselessly with younger men, some of them still in their late teens. They go from chickens to vultures in a display of who will get the most attention from the viral young man in their midst proving they are the far superior of the group. I took quick notice the server’s visits became less and less frequent as he dodged the uncomfortable display of pruning feathers and wayward glances.
Thankfully, my evening was coming to an end as their conversation moved to their sex lives. I simply could not have handled who had the better lover or who made the better lover. And we only thought men boasted of their sex lives.
“My husband got us a sleep number bed and let me tell you we got rid of it after a month!! Any time you try to become intimate you end up on top of a ridge in the bed between the two air chambers. Who wants that grinding into their back? I told my husband if he still wanted any sex he best get rid of that damn bed or he would be on his own. I rule that bed and he knows it.”
And with that I made my hasty departure. So, ladies, please remember when you are out on a GNO posturing and posing in displays of feminine superiority you are in public and others are watching and listening.
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